Great news! My metabolism is about as efficient as a mid-level government bureaucrat.
After a year and a half of relatively diligent exercise with no discernible results, I decided to shell out a few dollars for metabolic testing at our friendly neighborhood Lifetime Fitness. So this morning I strapped on a super sexy blue face mask and treaded the mill for 15 minutes or so, and through a magical process that I still don't quite understand (it has something to do with oxygen and carbon dioxide and lactic acid and my heart rate and, quite possibly, the length of my fingernails) I received the following pronouncements:
1-I burn a measly 2 fat calories per minute during my PEAK of working out. Folks with good metabolisms burn 6 or 7 fat calories per minute.
2-(And this one is really a kicker). Most of the working out I've been doing over the last year and a half has been probably making things worse (mysteriously?) because I burn fat most effectively (my awesome 2 calories a minute!) when my heart rate is about 125. But when I'm working out hard--like in my spin class or other group fitness--my heart rate is between 155-170, and I'm burning nothing but sugar, which apparently is a terrible terrible mistake. Unless you're Lance Armstrong and/or Forrest Hallstrom, and then it's okay. Also, because I went from not much exercise to really intense exercise, my "baseline" (again, mysteriously??) is all out of whack and apparently causing my body to hang onto it's "fat stores" for dear life.
But there is some good news:
1-Although it will be boring, the hope is if I work out at a low intensity consistently, 4-5 times a week, my metabolism will change and become more effective. (Mysteriously??). So I suppose more "This American Life" podcasts on the elliptical trainer and fewer push-it-till-you-almost-puke Total Conditioning classes. Although I'm skeptical--it still seems so counterintuitive to me--they tell me that if I work out at this pace I'll start losing weight. It's worth a shot, I suppose.
2-Since it's apparently the end of the world (just ask all the people at the Southtowne Expo gun show), when our family is holed up in the basement, fending off the zombie looters, I'll keep on keepin on a lot longer than those with the super zippy, fancy dancy, extra awesome metabolisms. But come to think of it, that ISN'T good news because it means Forrest will die long before me and his zombie killing skills are far superior to mine. Me and my metabolism, kickin it throughout Armageddon, lonely and hungry and scared. Perfect.
On Thursday I'm doing the second part of the testing where they take a look at my resting heart rate and tell me the baseline number of calories I burn every day. Should be interesting. And if they tell me I must stop drinking Diet Coke I will nod and agree--it's an awful habit, and most certainly indicative of all sorts of failures of will on my part. And then I will ignore them.
No Diet Coke during Armageddon either, I'm sure. And Forrest and his metabolism will already be in heaven, where I'm sure Coke Zero will be abundantly available. Not fair all around.
10 comments:
I am continually impressed and proud of your dedication to working out and you look so good - I mean, you guys ROCK! And I'm so fascinated by your test results - it will be almost like being a scientist to see if the change in work-out approaches, by dialing them DOWN, would actually tell your body to burn more fat. I can't wait to hear the next chapter! And also, I think I had five LOL's while I reading this ....the best being "lonely and hungry and scared." It reminded me of the words to "Dear to the Heart of the Shepherd" an old hymn that we never sing any more. When we sang it when I was a little kid, it always made me feel so bad for the little sheep when we got to the part about "out in the desert they wander, hungry and helpless and cold!" so operatic and and poignant for me, a little child.
Anyway, always fascinating to read your blog, especially when I have not heard a peep in real life about the things you're blogging about!
Love,
Mom
The whole thing's a mystery to me.
You look great to us.
And I think you're possibly right about no Diet Coke during Armageddon,.
As your husband, I'm not sure how I should feel about this post. I'm sensing like a low grade buzzing of resentment running throughout. When those zombies finally get to you and you join me in heaven we can sit down together with your pioneer ancestors over lunch to personally thank them for your "survival of the fittest" genes. I can just hear the waitress now, "Is Diet Pepsi ok?" (That would be a bad ending to this whole thing wouldn't it? No Coke in Heaven?)
BTW guess how many calories I burned while reading and responding to your blog?
Ang, we are truly sisters from different mothers (trying to force the "brothas from anotha motha" thing)...yes, yes and yes. It IS however, a consolation to me that we can be fighting zombies together and most likely drinking water from our food storage (I'll throw in an extra orange drink mix for you the next time I'm at the cannery...)
It'll be interesting to see if your lower-intensity workouts actually works. I guess what they're saying makes sense, but it still seems weird to workout at a lower level. You'll have to keep us updated. Good luck!
Who knew? I would've never guess that you could work out TOO HARD. Totally goes against logic.
What? You don't have diet coke in your food storage? Maybe that oughta be the next item on your list?
Hilarious post. Why must bodies be so mysterious? Good luck with your new regimen...and I'm totally with you on upping the enjoyment with a TAL podcast!
Girls like guys who have good skills. Computer hacking skills, nunchuck skills, zombie killing skills.
You've given me an excuse to not work out so hard! If you are going to do the work, you may as well get the benefit! Good luck with your new, less exhausting, plan. Keep us posted.
I've always been a fan of the low-intensity workout. Of course, I'm not losing any weight doing that either. SOOOO...
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